Ohm

I went to a Zen-Buddhist discussion group yesterday. It was insane--quite literally. The crowd was all college educated or beyond. Several were extremely well versed in non-western religions other than Buddhism. The group began with the reading of a brief passage consisting of a compilation of literary and religious metahpors all centering around the theme of Missing Your Calling.

To most people this topic seems utterly religious. But looked at from various perspectives, the calling is simply the choice to pursue truth and/or to make the pursuit totally imperative.

The group was somewhat eccletic and eccentric. Lots of crunchy granola types and disconnected appearing dorks. The look in people's eyes were all very intense. Interestingly enough, no one was physically boring. Everyone had strong features, and for the most part were attractive. This could have been ALL in my head ;)

One other commonality was a disregard for dressing well. No one really matched. Everyone's attire looked shit-boring. I was noticing this trend and about to curse to myself when I looked at my own pants and shoes, and then the rest of my clothes, and realized--shit, I'm in the same category!

I've noticed that many people think AB always looks good. Whether at the gym, just out & about, or whatever, he's stylin it up. I wanted to match him recently, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

At first I thought, maybe I got ugly since the days when I could pull off every look. But that wasn't the case. Maybe I'm not as good clothing resources anymore since I stopped going home so often. But no, that wasn't it either. Ultimately, I just realize I don't give a shit anymore--even if I want to badly.

All went well, except that the discussion leader was talking so much. No one was jumping in. I didn't know the ettiquette of the group so I held off till I couldn't take it any longer. So I started asking random yet cogent questions that would in all likelihood only receive answers affirming of the leaders intentions.

I got some glares, but nothing major. Then one girl asked a question that the leader couldn't answer well in my opinion. So I sort of jumped in. Doing so was a risk as this guy is basically a zen master, but I went for it anyway. What's the point of not taking the risk and going face first eh?

The leader was sort of taken aback by my response. I had already bursted into laughter in all the wrong places during his schpiel. Anyone who's been through crazy shit could likely impute that I'd gone to pieces, either fallen or not fallen apart as a result, but nevertheless, ended up being back "together" again.

Few of what he said phased me. He went on for a while about "bullshit" and how it holds people's lives cohesively. I just thought about AB and the countless others I have outted to themselves. I'm that one you don't think will have the balls to just come right up to you and flirt in a most ambiguous way. It will come across as totally normal--but you know its not. If you respond and tell yourself its normal, well then, you took the bait. If you turn away and are uncomfortable for the wrong reason, you still took the bait. It's only if you're real with yourself about your sexuality and then decisively either turn away or go for it that you can avoid me without issues. I usually don't pick those.

I wonder why the fuck I do this? What's the point? I don't even get that much sex out of it because most of these guys are not even ready for action. What's more, I pick innocent ones--the ones who usually don't like to use people and like something more beyond sex. I'd like one of them to fall in love with me. It'd be great if someone I outted to themselves were to go for me like that--it'd be totally control type shit. Hmm... that's wierd too.