My Insecurity -- my wierdness

One of my best friends is getting married. I wrote about it here. I'm not one of the groomsmen. Self-centered and selfish thought, but yea. I care about... even love this couple. They are like the paragon of unity and love that my parent never were. Quite a burden for them, but yea, that's how I see them.

One time, I was waking up having slept on their couch. They were cooking breakfast together as I was very slowly coming to. In the middle of it, they had a disagreement. They're method of dealing with it was so insanely reasonable, calm, level-headed, and secure, that I was actually calmed by listening to it. It's like listening to running water. It's tough to explain in a paragraph.

I met him because he lived in my hall my first year of school. That was just when he and his girlfriend were starting to get serious. They fell in love very swiftly during that time. They both began disappearing from campus. They picked up lots of hobbies together and would just go away for a long period of time. During the time that I was away from school, they went abroad and lived together. They're bond and love grew yet stronger, and so an engagement was most definitely in the works.

My friend, who I'll call, Tim, is just so different from me on very many levels.

He's an only child. His parents were very level-headed and planned each detail of his life without smothering him. Amazing how they managed that last part. He's always been super close with his parents, has grown up in the same place his whole life, and has only known middle class stability. All of his memories, from birth to leaving for school are in his home. All of his friends--from birth to college--are in his neighborhood. They all still hang out. For this reaosn, I wasn't too offended for not being a groomsman--he has lots of REALLY close friends with whom he grew up. All of them are really--well, normal. They all went public school together. He's the highest achieving out of all of them by far. He's the one who hit it big. He's the one who made it to the big name school.

Me--shit. I am among the oldest. Was around before my parents 'made it'. I have some memories of how fucked up it was in olden times. I also was one of my parents favorites. I got showered with money the minute it came rolling in--even when I didn't deserve it. Though my parents struggled for it, I was bestowed with only the most distinguished academic tracks. I was always surrounded by people who were just as or more talented than mua. I grew up in a place of violent pretense. You were always back-handedly aware of how someone might be getting ready to put down your ego or image. It's basically the world of the nouveau. In fact, my best friend and I used to base all of our conversations around this ongoing debate/inside joke about being nouveau--how everything is fucked by the insecurity of 'breaking in' and having parents who were obsessed with securing some 'in'. I've been mostly distant from my family. Only recently am I really getting to know them. I 'go through' many sets of friends constantly. I admire those who have stuck around an insane amount. Everyone I grew up with is generally fucked up and usually they 'fall off' at some point along the way. Lots of us radically changed as we got further away from the influence of our parents. Many of us were repressed to fit into the convention of the nouveau.

Thanksgiving that first year at school. I didn't want to go home. So I decided to blow it off.

My friend asked me what I was doing. I said, nothing. He said, come to my place. He said it very non-chalantly, like it wouldn't matter either way. So of course, I said yes.

Whoa... His world blew me away. It was SOOO the opposite of mine.

Even his girlfriend, who I'll call, Lacey, at one point, just stopped in the middle of conversation and said, so you've now seen, Tim's world--WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I just, whoa--it's so normal. I meant it as a compliment, and she sort of understood that, although they were a little bit offended.

We kept hanging out somehow, even after we moved out of our dorm. We always kept hanging out. I don't honestly even know why. We actually hung out quite a bit. The three of us got along kind of well. Then, there was also a third girl who joined our mini-clique. Then she started dating someone and the clique was basically complete.

One of the things I noticed over time, was how cool his girlfriend was. She and him made an unbelievable phenomenal couple. They are those couples that I only thought existed in great works of art, or in cheesy broadway plays, or what not. That's probably why we hung out so much--all of us got along, and we like leaving campus a lot. They sort of didn't totally fit in--and I didn't either.

Eventually, I realized that his girlfriend was pretty freakin hot. I know, worst thing in the world, huh? Well, the only worst thing was that she sort of thought I was pretty hot too.

The whole thing became clear to me the first time we all went shopping together. I would of course try shit on, and get some opinions.

She would have this stunned look on her face--like stupified, whenever I would come out of the dressing room. I didn't quite get it myself. She was not just taken, but sort of struck by me. But she brushed it off and it wasn't that big a deal. I sort of just enjoyed the hell out of it, because the reaction was just so fucken cute. I was alot bigger back then, and it was hard for me to hide my shape with almost any type of clothes.

The moment that stuck out to me however, was when we tried on jeans. I was buying these really avant gaurde things and they were sort of rooting me on. I think they felt I dressed a little to conservative perahps.

I picked the most convservative jeans in the whole place, but I was doubtful. So, I walked out and asked them, what do you think?

They said the usual--they look great, yea, get them, definitely.

I was still doubtful, so I turned and turned by the mirror. I was picking between two, and I said, hmmm... I dunno... I can't tell which one pair looks better.

His girlfriend said, get those, referring to the pair I was wearing. I kept turning around and as I did, she said, They look really good... really good.

It was the way she said it the second time that sort of caught both me and my friend by surprise. There was a second layer to it. I sort of looked at my friend instinctively, he looked away and got embarassed or hurt, I couldn't tell. Then he looked down and looked in her direction, and without looking right at her but still facing her, he said, "Hey, I've never gotten that..."

She immediately gave him this look that said--I LOVE YOU, and started staying cute stuff to him in this quieter tone of voice I couldn't hear.

She made up for it--I don't know how. But she always did. She took care of that aspect of him without seeing the issue as a burden for her. Seeing this incident was the beginning of seeing how two people can overcome real life shit in order to make a very excellent and worthy relationship succeed despite imperfections.