While Overwhelmed

I'm back again... in this place, where everything seems like too much. It's so familiar now, it's like my first home. Right after finishing everything that could possibly be related to applications, I interviewed for LSAT tutoring. I got the interview, with the person I expected, and the whole thing went as per my research. It was almost scary. I got lucky. My research matched the interview really closely. I got the job, but the format is not totally how I expected it. I came back only to find an e-mail from my old employer wondering if I would be amenable for returning. I did, got a ridiculous raise, Spence's old office, and lots of work too boot.

Shortly thereafter, I signed up for the Landmark Leadership Program. Yep--it's like life coaching on steroids. It's the training I'll need to be a great lawyer that I will never get in law school. From it, I will learn to touch, move, and inspire people on demand, on the spot, whenever, wherever, regardless of the circumstances. I'm pumped. It's the difference between Obama and Hillary right about now;)

I love Landmark. It's totally a cult--don't get me wrong about that, but for one, I always feel like I need to be the outsider in a group. Being part of a body, whatever it is, is integral to the experience of me. But I hate institutionalization and sacrificing any of my autonomy. However, group is soooooo helpful--for everything from bail outs to feedback from the 'other' perspective. It's like the difference between having one eye versus two. Life goes 3d.

Of course, I chose the program that is ridic and known for being 'in your face'. All the A-type folk are there donning their best suits. The perk is--u generally get the best of the best. People who have high goals, have already accomplished a lot, and can get down to business anywhere, anytime. The unexpected upside--Damn, some of these people are GORGEOUS.

Could it be that intelligent beautiful people know that they are walking around with major weaponry? And if so, what do you do when u realize u have unusual artillery? YOU TAKE THE BEST SHOOTING LESSONS AROUND! Duh. Of course, u're going to get the other folk in there too--u know the ones who will prove that mind is over matter and still get to the top regardless of their endowment. How you get to Rome I guess doesn't matter. I just find each idiosyncratic pathway funny.

Well, the guy next to me was crazy. Oh well. The stuff that was coming out of his mouth was like... gee. WTF? When I said, yea, I know this is a cult. He freaked. I laughed. Gotta burst a bubble at some point. I mean--Landmark has the tools and potential to change the world for th better. People can also turn it into something awful. I gave him the basic example of a knife. It can save a life, or take one. Who's hands do you want it in? Hence my calling towards leadership. Instead of complaining, I might as well just do it myself.

As I started to glance around during a lull, I was floored by this guy off into the distance. He was one of the coaches to the coaches. Not an easy place to get to. I noticed his incredible eyes and eyebrows. His perfect cheekbones and chiseled features. He was a tall. Most of all, I noticed what seems to be more and more rare these days as I grow older--nubile brilliance. Hair with sheen, skin that's not just flawless but radiant, and a smile that smolders. He stood out--even amongst the other hotties.

Talking to him for no reason would not be easy. I didn't get around to him, but he noticed me and I could tell he was a bit uneasy.

I'm starting to realize and people have now confirmed to be, when it comes to me, the motto is, be afraid, be very afraid. Why? Because as one friend puts it, "You're far more comfortable with yourself and your unresolved insecurities than what most people's egos can take." Makes no sense huh?

Put differently, I am horribly real with myself to the point of self psychological-abuse. You can see it in my eyes that I am just as demanding of others. If I don't hold u to that, it just means I don't think u matter. I noticed that today in the glare of our firm's CEO. When she looks at you, it's simply an opportunity--don't fuck it up.

Sometimes u can just intuit things. I don't claim it actually is that way. I just think it feels that way sometimes. I had to fill out some forms tonight prior to leaving. When the seminar ended, the hottie cleared out pretty quick. From here on out, I'll call him Pretty Thang (PT). Stupid, but it serves the purpose:)

I felt (not knew) that for some stupid reason these forms would trip stuff up and I would rub elbows with this guy. It did. He as standing near the exit as I was leaving. I could tell he noticed me as I was nearing the door. He was with someone. No one threatening to me. He looked at me through his peripheral vision, but I could tell he couldn't quite turn and say hi. I was hungry so before heading out of the building I went to the vending machine, then the bathroom, and then the vending machine again. Those damn snacks were good, and I've been dieting hardcore all week long. As I walk out, who's there? PT. Haha. Same thing again. He was with someone, walking away, and I saw him notice me but not quite approach me. For now, I like it that way. I occur for him. I'm not another of the gazzillions who walk past without a hint of acknowledgement. there are a fair amount of homos at this place. So the odds are not against me. They are all however usually husbanded up. We'll see.

A few things I learned today. It's not that I have too much on my plate. It's just that I keep my plate way to small. Like a muscle, I can get that plate to grow bigger. Also, a friend said to me, why are you like this? Why always a bit more than what u can handle? Simple--gotta learn to perform well while feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. This was the conclusion to the speech of my headmaster first day of sophomore year in high school. I can be the best conversationalist in the world, but if I can't be that way when the hottie comes around, then for what the hell is my ability any good? The life I want to lead is not going to be predictable. I want to be able to perform under those circumstances. Pre-law bootcamp has begun.