Special

We all like to feel special.... birthdays, "personal" style, "i" phones/pods/books, etc.

and yet, we all like feel like we fit in... like we fit into some bigger picture. A fam, a set of students, professionals, ..., a "special" group.

Most of the time, I'm special just in my head. I walk around speaking to myself as if I were some unique creature. But I live my life in a sort of fear of sticking out.

If you see me walking around the city, and if its even mildly cold, I'll be wearing a scarf that overs up my face. During the summer perhaps sun glasses or a brimmed hat.

I only wear long sleaves, and most of my clothes are baggy.

And for the most time, my get up, and my "act" works... I pass along life quietly living my own little special life.

But every so often, there comes a circumstance that lets me know... maybe i'm not quite like everybody else. And maybe, i should be grateful and maybe I should make lemmonade.

I'm hosting an admitted student. He went to my undergrad. He's picking between here, Columbia, Harvard, and Upenn. Tough choices--in the best way possible of course.

But.... as I was telling him about my experience, I suddenly realized. I sound so fake. I sound like a canned commercial, and then I qualified myself, just like the fine print on the screen of an infomercial--"Well, honestly though, I think my experience has been unique...." Really, I just said that.

He left. He was cynical. He was intense. Afterall, he was a minority gay man. Not an easy lot. And while I technically fit into that category. I have it easy. I can pass, or at the very least. I'm considered sexy. But that's not everybody, and that's when I realize, I have to be grateful, I can still get angry, and I have to make lemmonade.

I don't write much about this... b/c i hate it. the hierarchy. i love what i get from it, but what about others?

WTF am I supposed to do?

I'm popular. He said he heard it could be lonely in the big city.
LONELY?! *LONELY*?!
I have to FIGHT for my personal time. I have so many people guilting me through why don't you come to this party or that dinner or drinks or such and such event...
When are we going to go out?
But you promised...

So I qualified myself again... uhm, my undergraduate experience was very different.

But then I thought about that some more, and I called up one of my best friends from ugrad.
"I wasn't popular then," I said to her.
"YES YOU WERE!" she squealed. I flipped. What the hell was she talking about?
"Wellll...... perhaps not popular," she back peddled, "but everybody knew who you were, and everybody gossipped about you...... .... You were definitely... I'd say... infamous."

I did what I could only do. I laughed. Wow....

"REALY?!?!" I said in some disbelief. I mean, I suspected, but now here was this girl who spoke on a regular basis with most people with whom I never conversed, telling me that all these people talked about me.

I rarely spoke to anyone.

"Yea.. u've definitely matured though," she said. "You learned to be nice.... You came out... It's worked out for you."

I was a bit rattled, and then it did hit me. People did like me a lot in undergrad. I just pushed them away. I hated the spotlight, and I still somewhat do. Hence why I write anonymously.

But I didn't know what to do about the kid. Would he be as popular? He had been in the city the past 2 summers. He didn't seem to make new friends.

What makes me so popular? Even when I'm actively pushing people away?

I didn't know what to tell the kid....

Coming out was a bitch... but now I realize. It was the first step. I thought I was going to post about it, but now I realize that it will take several posts...