Character

What the hell is it??? And who says so?

Today I just realized that this girl I had a crush on deliberately avoids me. We first met this past semester in a class. She got my attention right away—she was hot. Light brown hair, a perfect tight stomach, an ass, big eyes, and pout-ty lips.

She pretended not to see me that first day when I stared at her, but I figured she must be used to it. For a while she didn’t say anything to me, and neither did I to her. I forgot who first said something—oh, wait a minute I did. In class, one time, she said something I could relate to and I just started conversation about it. I sort of thought she was happy I spoke to her and I could tell she was working to mask that feeling.

I saw her a couple times afterwards. Each time she tried to say hi in a friendly way but often I would be distracted or someone I knew would be nearby or I would be on the phone. I am the worst person to try and talk to when just going about the day. Unless there is a clear two way flirting relationship that has been well established through some other event. In retrospect, I realize that it was easy to interpret all of those occasions as rudeness. Subconsciously, I think I meant it to be that way. I was intimidated and didn’t want her to think she commanded my attention too much.

One time after class, we finally got around to having a real conversation. She seems like a passionate girl and the topic was somewhat charged. We stood outside of class for a while and I don’t know why I felt this way or she might have done so but she stood right fucking next to me, almost under me. I was sort of weirded out by it… I don’t know why.

We talked and she seemed although passionate quite ignorant. She still tried to pretend like she knew what she was talking about and that bothered me. She couldn’t just express surprise at novel information or just take a posture of openness. Instead, she just tried to seem confident despite the obvious holes in her rhetoric about a topic she, according to her vehemence, should be knowledgeable. We started walking and eventually crossed paths with this former friend of mine.

This guy used to be a good friend for a while. But suddenly took a distinct dislike for me. Although I had seen his animosity coming and significantly lessened my contact with him, he did later exercise his dislike for me actively and attempted to subvert some of my acquaintances. Unfortunately for him, I do not mis-represent myself but instead only hold-back information. His efforts were counterproductive and his dislike for me fermented. I knew him and the girl I liked were acquainted I just didn’t know to what degree.

As we walked pass by each other, he didn’t greet either one of us. Instead, he stared at me with a very overtly hateful glare. I was almost surprised at how blatant it was. I pretended to not see it and continued on. The girl was also sort of thrown off by his odd demeanor but also pretended not to notice it.

We finally came to a crossing and stood and began to wrap up our conversation. She again stood right under me and I again did not like it, partly because I didn’t really know her yet and I am suspicious of anyone until then. Another guy was heading in our direction. I knew she was good friends with this guy and at times suspected a mutual attraction between them. I couldn’t blame her. This guy was actually really hot. I later struck up conversation with him as I caught him one time staring at me in the gym.

I saw it coming—I knew she would blow me off as this guy would come into her field of vision. I began wrapping up the conversation and watched as she did what I was thinking. I had somewhat of a hard time understanding the whole thing. Looking back, I would say it was just mutual insecurity.

Later on, we bumped into each other in all these weird places. I don’t know why. I couldn’t yet tell if she liked me or not though. I had suspicions but those are insufficient. Finally one day in class, we had more small talk. She asked me a little more about where I grew up, what my parents did, and all such nonsense. She also asked sort of an odd question. She asked me where my parents’ families originally were from—like way back in the day. Although I was slightly confused by her question I told her. She sort of got this weird look on her face when I answered her question. Her gaze while fixed on me seemed to look past me and almost as if talking without being fully conscious of her words said in a slower pace of voice—“yea… that’s a good...” She seemed spaced out as she paused and she resumed her comment. “You’re a good combination,” she finally said. I didn’t know what to make of what she said. Other than the odd expression on her face and the fact that she was staring at me in an awkward way, she didn’t seemed at all self-conscious about her comment. So I came up with some half-assedly cogent shit regarding the topic that was at least somewhat risible and ignored her comment. I was just didn’t expect it and didn’t know how to fucken respond.

Out of all our unexpected run-ins the most conspicuous of all was one weekend evening at the gym—when it was closing very late into the evening. I was the only one working out in there when she came in a few minutes before closing. We got kicked out at the same time and I looked so as to greet her. Instead, she just looked at the gym attendant and ignored me. So I just started walking out of the gym. I started stretching by the exit. I figured she would come out fairly soon. As I started to finish and got up to leave, she was also just beginning to leave and was a few yards away. Instead, she turned sharply and went to the bathroom. I was again weirded out.

When I got to my room, I left her a message online—telling her how funny it was to run into someone else as the gym was closing on a Saturday night. She responded back and was very friendly. She asked me about my plans for the rest of the weekend and beyond. I told her I was busy for the next couple weeks—I was writing five papers all at once. I asked her about her schedule and she gave me the run-down. I told her I would contact her when both of us would be seemingly free—three weeks from then.

The time came and I sent her another message. This time she ignored me. I knew she was free. I knew she was around. I didn’t know what to make of it.

Today, I inadvertently saw someone else’s computer screen and noticed they were chatting with her on-line. I checked my computer screen and noticed that she wasn’t on-line according to it. I switched screen names and checked her status—she had blocked me off her list. I suppose its not the biggest deal. Just stupid college shit. Retarded college shit.

Later today, I brought her up vaguely in conversation with someone else. I learned quickly that she was really good friends with someone else who really didn’t like me. This guy was different. While the other guy tried to be my friend and I allowed him to be so for a time, this guy never made it past my preliminary check point. What do I get for going to a residential school—relational incest. Everyone fucken knows everyone.

At first, I thought, what if she brought me up to one of them, or vice versa—an almost assured occurrence since I had been seen with her. Now, I realize the obvious—if she’s good friends with several people I eschewed—then the friendship was not going to go anywhere. Too bad she happened to be so hot.

So the nexus to character: whenever shit like this happens—whenever someone dislikes me for a reason unbeknownst to me I get paranoid about why I am this way. Do I wrong people? Is this the reason so many folks are disgruntled with me?

I am like anyone else and have multiple moral failings. I lie, cheat, and steal. I lie when I have to or the inconvenience of the truth is too great. The inconvenience has to be extreme however or inconsequential to anything of import. I cheat as in I don’t believe that inconsequential moral things should matter. I am a realist. If the ends far outweigh the externalities of a bent rule here and there—then what’s the problem. My rule instead is acute awareness. The real world is not ideal. Ideal means do not survive long. The best and only solution I can live by is to become as aware as possible of the distance between ideals and reality. Only then I can make the call when logistical issues are not worth the sacrifice in values. In this way, the weighing of priorities can take place with eyes wide open. Inefficiencies because of morals are inescapable. Neither extreme is possible for me—complete efficiency or sainthood.

What I am apparently consistently hated for, I just realized is the crux of my personal morality—awareness. I do relentlessly pursue that awareness and it might be at the cost of others. For a long time, I rarely cared about how this awareness would affect others. I just went ahead and pried at whatever I needed. In that sense, I am horribly selfish and self-centered. Moreover, I have come to the conclusion that most everyone abhors this type of awareness. Reconsidering personal morals is a type of inefficiency that most people cannot stand because it is very immobilizing. Brutal self-examination in the presence of others or that tangentially includes other is disturbing. This paints a noble picture of myself and thus is also insufficient.