WOO HOO!!!

Finally, a new post…

This week has been crazy—computer problems, family issues, and school work like there is no tomorrow…

Somehow shit is still rolling though. I replaced the necessary parts in my computer, managed to start reconstructing my original configuration and files, and the school work is getting done…

This is weird… I never thought I’d be doing this… blogging. I unfortunately seem to have replaced a lot of conversation with this. It didn’t come easy. I really used to be into conversation. But over the past, perhaps 4 months, I made this major switch.

I think I’m probably a little crazy. I just had this day when I realized most people were not totally real with me, they actually didn’t like me, and they used me for some weird narcissistic affirming purpose in their life.

WTF? Huh? I must be crazy. This actually does sound like a few pathological disorders. But I am disregarding that at the moment.

In fact, yesterday I got completely validated regarding this point. No one could be more stunned at what I found than me.

I had to choose on the fly a topic for a class project. Out of sheer curiosity I picked a topic on “giftedness”.

I struggled for a bit regarding it about a year ago. I kept being told over and over again that I was bright. No doubt. I mean half of the whole population is above average bright, right?

I didn’t grow up normal. I’ve been in elite schools pretty much my whole life. However, its always been just as easy to say that I was there for other reasons other than my intellect.

I did get a clue at one point about how off my perception was when having graduated, an administrator at my HS commented how my class had been collectively among the brightest the school had ever seen.

I was surprised. That was a big statement. He hinted that had I been in a different class—I would have had a very different experience both in HS and afterwards.

Hmm… I thought.

I went to an unconventional college right out of HS. Its well known only amongst elite academics. Turns out that the school had a reputation for “low-key” yet extraordinarily intelligent students. I liked that about it.

There, again I was—normal. No big deal. I did really well. The professors were for the most part excellent.

Eventually however, college proved a let down. High school had been intellectually phenomenal. The curriculum was well integrated. Each department was very cohesive. The mission of the school permeated most every aspect of our activities. As a result, you had to be a complete idiot to miss the connections amongst our courses and daily routines. History and English were put together—extremely well. Philosophy and English were also paired at times. Math was good too.

Shortly after I left for college, lots of things in my family changed. Everyone became more independent, and people saw each other less. Both of my parents worked harder, and once I left, my parents really got comfortable with “letting go” of the kids. From there on out, my only sister got permission to go to whatever boarding program she applied and got into. She was big into getting away from home.

With everybody gone all the time, I kinda started getting into the real world on my own. I hung out with HS folk for a while, but in general I also wanted to be my own person and dodge my HS identity.

When I was out of school I would temp and was cool with going out by myself. At first I was the young kid and everyone typed me that way and liked me. They expected me to be as green as could fucken be.

Eventually, I “grew up”. I stopped doing odd jobs and got involved with the alumni network of my college.

I got hooked up and that’s when I started to notice that people really thought I was smart. That was weird… I mean, why then? Why not before? It was the first time I was given more responsibility I suppose.

I got jobs doing writing, putting together proposals, computer shit, and the occasional prepping someone’s agenda for a meeting.

I became somewhat of a valuable player. I apparently could structure shit and pick up on people’s motivations really well. My writing I was told was great too. I’m young so computers were always a no-brainer.

College eventually started to get to me. For a lot of reasons… and I started therapy. Typical, huh? The whole thing up until now.

My therapist stint was pretty nuts. He freaked out b/c I was so smart. He tried to pretend like that wasn’t the case. Every so often there would be situations where it would just come up.

Finally, therapy started to get old. I started to pick up on all the “strategies” employed to which I was supposed to be unaware. I didn’t understand this. Eventually, I found ways to unearth them all and to my surprise ended up uncovering a shit load of my therapists own issues which I had discerned from his approach to my “case”.

He was stunned, and I was kind of annoyed. I mean—I am paying money here.

I worked some more; and people kept reacting to me weird.

I had up until this point not been very chill with my dad. We talked and all but I actually as a person just didn’t know him all that well. He worked a lot. That’s generally the context in which I knew him. This was all starting to come together for me at the time.

A year out of HS, things started to change and I made a conscious effort to get know him. I did. He also had this odd reaction to me—extreme defensiveness. In fact—that’s what this whole entry is about—defensiveness.

A friend of mine during my first year in college told me one time that people got this way around me because they knew that I could say something mean about them whenever I wanted, and that it would be accurate. My friend was brilliant and too kind hearted to ever really say what he meant. I didn’t understand this until after my interactions with my dad. I mean—him? Defensive? I understood the whole “family” thing—but I mean I’m an adult now, right?

Shit continued… I interpreted more into this than was necessary. I went back and forth on what all of this meant.

My grades in school suffered for a time and eventually I decided to start trying again. I realized that since high school, I had been unchallenged. I was tired of turning in papers that I had written the night before and having professors coming up to me to tell me how much they enjoyed reading it. At times some of them wouldn’t be able to explain to me why the fuck they didn’t like them—they just didn’t. Basically, it was tough to learn this way.

So I decided to start doing shit on my own. I started taking latitudinous courses where I could pick and choose my own material and assignments were largely independent.

I’ve done really well yea far. But its forced me to realize a few things. 1.—supposedly I go to a phenomenal school. Yet, most of the comments in my class are inane. 2.—my ideas are often contextually innovative. To make a long story not as long… I’m really fucken bright. And its kind of annoying.

I have a hard time in conversations because people can’t keep up. Many of my best friends have only been so because they can move like a pro athlete through a mental field. I love that—mental dexterity, agility, versatility, and acuity.

I realized that in many ways I was geek though. So I decided to explore being “cool”. Hadn’t ever done it before—b/c I had decided a while back that I would avoid at all costs conformity.

I did the “clothes” thing. I worked out. I paid attention to my grooming. I drove the right car. I appeared at the right clubs at the right times.

My previously brainy friends started to get annoyed. I was becoming “superficial”. I said that superficial things were ultimately driven by deeper things. They said that it was unnecessary to approach deep things via superficial modes. I said that it was one way to connect with the rest of the world. I also said that everyone wanted some sort of superficiality to validate themselves. I even argued that intellectuality itself was superficial.

It was artificial to be smart for no reason, for no point. So what was the difference between one and the other? Like Hesse’s protagonist I wanted to just go out and experience everything—at least in part.

Sucks if you have knack for being popular. True my socially inept demeanor often kept people away or gave me away. But the introductions were and the attention was consistent. I didn’t have to try much. There was something apparently about me that people found mysterious.

I think it was my inability to be vulnerable, or better said to hide my invulnerability and thus insecurity. I was out of place in some ways, and yet I seemed to belong in others. I was a paradox—a live, walking, and talking one at that. I looked the part. If approached and questioned I also knew the right things to say and I came from the right places and knew the right tings without giving it a second thought. The conventional social demarcations had somehow been thrown awry. I didn’t belong for the regular shit people don’t belong…

But I was enamored with the attention. Previously, I had ignored it. Willfully and almost stubbornly. For the first time I had decided to become aware—and I was shocked.

There a shit load of attention… and it stirred in me what I never would have expected. But, that’s beside the point for now.

I found this crazy website yesterday. Here’s the link: www.sengifted.org. when I read all the “misperceptions” and “issues” above average bright people have… I was like “SHIIIIT” and “WHOOOOOAAAAAAH”.

To think that all this shit was written down somewhere. I hate my parents for not being omniscient.

Its been a long while in getting to know myself. Fuck—I hate to admit my succumbing to this stupid culture of “self”. But for me, there’s something odd about it.

I’ve always wanted to fit in. Always. I hid this fucken desire and banished for most of my life. I went after it thinking that it was my attitude that kept me from it. That might still be true—but it turns out that there may be more to it.

My dad sat me down recently. I had offended some of his friends apparently. He got real with me and told me that my expectations of people were too high. I assumed people to be too intelligent and informed. I chimed that his fucken friends all had graduate degrees. He said that it didn’t matter. I had been put in my place.

Eventually, I became more aware of this perception about me. The interactions with my friends took on a different hue. They were more competitive than I thought. I had been obtuse to this reality for so long.

I decided to stop playing the game. And I disengaged. I haven’t hung out with any of them for a really long time. This week they all called. Where the hell have I been? When am I going 2 have time 2 hang out? Can they come over for dinner?

The cave feels good for now. No fucken games to get through. No id’s to deal with. Its just pure superego. And at my behest, I can even reach towards spirit.