No booty & an Odd Run-In

Yesterday I had a weird conversation with a friend. I called her up... I wanted some conversation. She's pretty fucken smart, knows it, and doesn't feel the need to live a life defined by it. So, I like her.

In many other ways, we are pretty incompatible. Different backgrounds and goals--at least prima facie.

When we spoke, I told her about this dilemma I might have soon regarding an assignment. She heard me out, and in doing so, the dilemma resolved itself.

She then told me about this guy she really fell for a while back and how they earlier in the week had finally hooked up.

I found the whole thing wierd in several ways. One, I didn't think this guy liked her--starting with her initial descriptions of their interactions. Two, she didn't go much into detail or focus on how the whole situation transpired. How did things go from distant "buddies" to phone calls, meals, and then sex? Its common--hidden love or lust unsheathed. Still, that was the part that most seemed worth talking about to me, but that was what she seemed to keep leaving out of the conversation.

Instead, she focused on the fact that the hook up had occurred. Which is not that big a deal either... happens a lot. What was odd, was that after telling me, she asked me if I had anything going on other than my work. An ugly implication.

No--I haven't fucken hooked up recently. No--I don't have relationships. Yes--I rarely hook up. Why? Beyond the issues, I have found it often unsatisfying. Otherwise, I think I would more directly puruse the aim. But I don't find it compelling enough.

I love hot booty as much as the next person. But for one--I'm not easily physically pleased. For two--even then I usually find myself wanting more and not getting it. For three--its annoying trying to find people who are not into playing games, who are not overt in their narcissm and who just actually want the physical pleasure. They also generally want more even if it is something really shallow.

The conversation headed in the direction of why I didn't have anything "going on" and she asked for reasons. I evaded giving them to her--even though she would understand them, she wouldn't find them worthy.

Still, I was bothered. And I was bothered that I was bothered. I called another friend. I realized that insecurity transcends intellect. She made this abundandly clear.

I realized that what bothered me was seeing that in her made me see it in myself. Although I don't generally engage in promiscuity, I still am much a slave to my insecurities. Regardless of my intelligence or awareness, they are there and are not a function of my intellect. Thats fucken scary as shit. I am as human as anyone else. Even if I were to understand the "higher realities" of existence, such comprehension would not exempt me from wrestling or succumbing to these insecurities and lusts.

Moreover, the fact that the hooking up issue bothered me made clear that I also had an insecurity about that. Although I may have logical and plausible reasons for not doing so, I obviously would like it to be otherwise--whether it be meeting more people who meet my criteria, or me more skillfully forcing people into my criteria, or me growing thicker skin so as to not give a shit.

I ran into this same friend this morning at the grocery store. This rarely happens. She got really shy. She couldn't look at me. She tried.

I had just finished a workout, and I was still in gear--shorts and a clingy workout tee. I admit, I was looking rather attractive. I had forgotten how much she liked that aspect of me. Seeing an intelligent, articulate, bold, and in your face girl suddenly go limp because she sees you is wierd. Physically, I feel no attraction towards her. The disproportionate dynamic of the situation made me uncomfortable, especially since she's a friend who knows me well--she should be past this.

I felt self-conscious... I don't like to be seen in this attire by people I know. I don't expect other fucken students to be up this early on sunday morning running errands.

I made up stupid and non engaging conversation. She still couldn't be fucken normal. She couldn't even talk straight. She seemed so into me. So I quickly made a reason to leave... She said we should get together soon... I was like... of course... yes, of course. No way.

The very insecurities I so hate--despise--the ugliness that is humanity--brings itself into view all the time. Its most ugly when it does so in a well known and usually positive context. I need to just get over myself.