Sharkie Good-bye

The summer has come to quite a slow pace this month. My gay dad told me that sticking to a regimented life would prove un-enjoyable for my life and make me un-popular.

If there's one thing I loved about hanging out with the Lawyer was that I never felt used or leached. In contrast, I have pretty much felt this way this weekend with the arrival of Sharkie.

Her parents have never been to my big City so she set up a mini-vacation in which she, her husband, their little dog (I'll call Toto), and her two parents came to visit. She sent me a harried e-mail stating that her hotel didn't allow the dog to be alone and so asked if I could dog sit. She said there was no pressure. I dog sat last night for about an hour. No big deal, the hotel was not too far from where I lived. Half way through my stay however her parents showed up.

I really like her parents. They are so real, so positive, so nice, and so knowledgeable of what my life is like because Sharkie and I are so alike.

But, a long time ago, something odd happened. Sharkie's mom is considered to be some sort of a "social soothsayer" among Sharkie's friends. I.e. When she meets one of Sharkie's friends, she tells them their defining characteristic. Apparently, she's never wrong.

Well, I posted about it, but the recap is that Sharky's mom said that people must find it easy to fall in love with me. I got the same indication from a professor who came onto me in undergrad but who was also known for reading people well.

Last night I had a long conversation with Sharky's parents and then this morning we all had brunch. Oddly however, Sharky's mom always stares at me. She's a normal nice woman and there's nothing mean or odd about her in the least. But it just freaks me out. Like every single time I look in her direction, whether I'm speaking or someone else is speaking, she's staring right at me while smiling.

It bugs me because if I make eye contact w/ her, which happens if I ever look at her b/c she's looking at me, it feels like I'm being rude b/c I'm always the first to break eye contact. It also feels like I'm under some sort of microscope.

I've written about this topic prior--feeling the intensity of someone's gaze. It really freaks me out. It makes me feel as if someone is feeding off of me, as if they are getting something from me without my permission, and like there is nothing that I can do to stop it politely.

In fact, the past few days, that's how I've felt--as if people continually just take from me. I think it's because that was what was so INCREDIBLY--beyond my wildest expectations--drew me to the Lawyer. That is, he could read me like a book, figure out what I needed or wanted, be willing to provide it for me, and then *would* just provide it.

I've never in my WHOLE life--EVER felt so taken care of. EVER. Not by my parents, not by any of my romantic interests, and not by any of my friends. His ability to read me was so profound. It could have been frightening b/c it was as if I was naked before him. But it NEVER was. Never--because I never felt as if he was taking something from me. It was as if he was only reading me in order to give to me.

Feeling that kind of care was like being wrapped up in the warmest blanket imagineable. As if this blanket was joy itself, comfort itself, safety itself. As if nothing could ever touch me so long as it was on me. It has been really the most amazing feeling in the entire world. It is a feeling that to me had been foreign.

Not only have people around me never provided for me in that way, but I never expected them to do so. I never expected as much because, what's the point? People are not mind-readers. How can they figure out my needs? Moreover, what if they could not meet my needs?

At some point, I decided to meet my own needs or to just leave them as they were. I did not want to ever put my needs out there because I have been fearing disappointment.

To have someone figure your needs out, and then provide for them competently, its the most addicting occurrence. It really is.

The BF's chief complaint about the Lawyer is that he does not engage in any emotional intimacy. The lawyer does not like to do so, explicitly at least. He will not talk much about himself, if at all. But, indirectly, by his way of drawing the other person out, he is revealing tons about himself. He cannot possibly understand me so well if he didn't know me so well and he can't know me so well, if at one point did not experience what I have experienced.

He's had love affairs with older men, right when he was my age. I know he knows what I'm experiencing. However, these men were the same men who literally broke his heart asunder. These are the men who drove him to enter a long term relationship with a non-lawyer. I'm assuming this fact b/c I recall he specifically asked me if I wanted someone more alike or less alike to me.

He has not shown up to the gym in over a week now. His BF has been out of town for 5 days. I wonder how he will respond if at all to me. How will it change his response that up until now, he's always been in the position to fall for the older guy--but now, its reversed. Now, he's the older mature one. I'm the naive one.

My friends tell me that it in all likelihood he has had feelings for me too. Will that affect his response to me? In what way?