Its taking everybody by storm—as the securitizing strictures of school come crumbling down in celebration, it seems as if everyone needs to grab hold in desperation.
One close friend announced that he’s proposing to his girlfriend whom he’s dated for all of nine months. Another couple is each going through their own vortex of emotions as they try to figure “what the hell do I do now?”
Logistically, even those who have shit lined up are still suddenly realizing that the real world is now. Family pressures to meet certain conventions and personal ideations never have been so strong.
One friend in particular has an acute situation of choices. We just hung out for a while. She’s been interviewing for a long time and her decision has come down to two major cities. She wants to avoid going back home at all costs and is in a relationship that is bipolar at best.
I’ve known almost since we met that she had a different background. She was a friend of a friend whom I initially dismissed. I remember the day I mentioned something rather odd that most people just brush off. Her hesitant yet composed reaction indicated that she was different. I became her friend and soon enough what made her different came right on out. Most people at school had no idea about where she came from—it was rough and pretty much inexcusable as a topic of conversation.
Soon after us meeting she entered into the longest relationship she’s ever had. The guy came from one of the country’s wealthiest families but apparently was a serious misfit among those like him. From the get go, they hit it off, even though their childhood circumstances could not have been more incongruous. Situations like these are what students get when they come to these liberal universities who believe in diversity for their undergraduate populations. She didn’t tell him much at first but eventually gave him the abbreviated version. He was cool with it.
He’s got a phenomenal job now and wants her to drop everything and follow him. However, he hasn’t made a commitment to her, not even implicitly. In fact, he’s been wavering regarding the relationship but is still holding over her exigencies.
She’s such a nouveau-woman that I can’t imagine her tolerating such shit. Of course, I always held in the back of my mind her upbringing and the obvious conditioning against which she had to fight regarding almost every detail of current life. Giving into a certain stereotype of femininity pales in comparison to the rest of what she has already accomplished. No one could fault her.
It boggles my mind sort of whenever I meet women like her—imbalanced. Another good friend of mine, her mother is incredibly talented. From her appearance to her intellect, her mother epitomized every aspect of what society desires. With a phenomenal professional career ahead of her, she dropped it all and married her father. He is equally as eminent as my friend’s mother except that he carried out his career and his name is now synonymous with his profession. However, by becoming his wife and foregoing her own careerist aspirations, she in essence determined herself to be an extension of his identity. Now, she is just such an appurtenance. Her beauty and intellect only function to augment his image.
They live in an exceedingly prestigious neighborhood surrounded by others of comparable success. Yet, I often thought to myself—she could have made it here on her own. I only write that because she is so incredibly unhappy with her marriage. Everything else about it—she loves.
My friend seems to potentially be embarking along a similar path. I didn’t understand how she could even give any of it a second thought. But tonight, while sipping drinks at an old bar it became obvious.
She wants and needs purpose. This guy—whether it be his money or the impossibility of set of characteristics he exemplifies—would bring her that. Her background is just so unfathomable—that even if she were to make it all on her own, that itself would be too painful to bear. Sometimes, the best, or most desired, cure to a situation is to forget that you even had to endure it, that you even had to deal with it. All you want to do is fucken FORGET it. Nothing else would be as fucken satisfying, reassuring, or affirming.
Who the hell wants to be that one extraordinary person who was so amazing and so over the top that they overcame the impossible only to end up alone? Who would not forego all of that in order to just have someone who can both make them forget what their sanity requires them to forget and still give them the life they would have acquired, had they followed through on their expedition from hell?
Doesn’t hardship somehow make people suspicious and alienable? When you emerge on the other side of the story of
The few who do are destined to live incredible and odd lives. Usually, I find that they are women. Men will always find a woman willing to give up their identities for them. However, for women, such a find is rare.
Ironically, earlier today I was having a hard time dealing with my own loneliness. I made some major accomplishments this week. I’ve achieved even some of my own impossible expectations. Yet, during the past few days, having finished my term papers early, I’ve been struck by how often I’ve been invited to flirt.
I will shyly admit that I do look quite fabulous—SHITDAMN—who would’ve thought after the most grueling set of weeks I’ve recently put in at school that I would emerge in this form? The truth is that these occurrences reminded me of what it was like before I resolved myself to a goal and a purpose. I used to be the biggest tease known to this campus. If I walk in to certain places on campus, I can still cause every hot “straight” guy to become noticeably uncomfortable in shame. But today, as I tried to plan out a couple of days of actual “relaxation” I realized I had no one with whom to enjoy it.
I’m fucken utterly alone. Its painful. A friend of mine told me that marriage wasn’t for her because she’d never have the maturity to sacrifice for someone else. I quipped that not everyone who resolves to a single life does it because they choose to be totally selfish and self-centered. On the contrary, some do it because that selfishness becomes a source of power, drive, and liberty which they use to transform the lives of many. She conceded.
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